Sunday, October 24, 2010

I Love You, but I'm Not in Love with You

If there is a list somewhere of the ultimate cop-offs, this should top the list. All this statement does is get you out the relationship without an explanation. If you have dated this girl for an extended amount of time, you owe her some type of explanation. She will agonize over the situation, questioning everything she did to try to figure out what she did wrong regardless of if it was her fault or not.

Girls tend to have selective hearing and will latch on to what she wants to hear. If she has any feelings at all for you, she will only hear the “I love you” part and think that the door is still cracked for reconciliation.

Learning New Things

If you are trying to teach your significant other a new thing, be patient.

Remember it takes people different amounts of time to learn new things.

Do NOT ever say that an ex or a girl that is a friend that your significant other does not like “got it right away”.

Girls feel like they have to be superior than previous girlfriends and this statement certainly will not do that. It could result in her walking away from said thing and blaming you. (“You just aren’t patient enough to teach me.”) This makes it seem like it was her idea to stop learning said thing, as she still feels superior. It is better to walk away than fail (in her eyes).

NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER suggest to her that you will go get said individual to teach her. Not only is that extremely insensitive to her feelings, but it destroys her self-confidence and it puts her on said person’s level, so therefore she is no longer superior. If you have a mutual friend that can teach her, ask that person. It is easier for her to fail with a friend than with you.

She does not want you to know that she has failed or is not capable of learning the new thing.


For the girls out there that have no issues with your weight, I applauded you. For the rest of the girl population who have issues with their weight the following rules apply:

Fat rolls, love handles, etc. are off limits. They are not play toys. Do not grab, poke, play with, etc. Do not make comments like, “More cushion for the pushin’”, “big girls need love too”, “fat a**”, etc. She can make comments like that about herself, but you can’t. Never say these things to her face or to anyone who would go back and tell her.

Always make sure to say things like, “You are beautiful just the way you are”, “I love you just the way you are”, etc.

If her weight is starting to become a health issue, than the topic needs to be approached positively, respectively, and tactfully. Say things like, “I love you and I want to be with you forever and I am scared I’m going to lose you too soon. Please, for us, consider getting help. I am here for you and I will help and support you.”

If she is making an effort, do not eat things in front of her that she cannot have and do not bring things she cannot have into her house. When she exercises, do not make rude comments, even in jokes, about her being gross, sweaty, smelly, etc. She will abandon everything, thinking it is not worth it.

Bad Day at Work

If your hunnie bunnie comes home and starts complaining about her job, listen. Do not start comparing your job to her job. Your job may be ten times worse and harder than hers, but keep your mouth shut. It’s easier to keep your silence than to have the wraith that will come if you open your mouth. Odds are, she understands how hard your job is and loves you for it, she just needs to vent and wants your understanding and attention.

Buying the Cow

This phrase should never leave your mouth if there is a girl within 100 yards of you and if you ever want to get laid again this century do NOT say it to your girlfriend, wife, date, etc.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

“Did you see the previews for that movie? Would you want to see it?”

Means, “I want to see it and I am taking the time to mention it to you which means that I want you to take me.”


If you are getting married and she bores you with details and planning, deal with it. She probably has had this day planned and has been waiting for it since the day she could walk. At least pretend to be interested. She will ultimately have it her way, but she still wants to be involved and happy.


Girls love surprises and random acts of love.

Nothing will score you points quicker than surprise flowers sent to her job just because “I was thinking of you”, to have a hot bubble bath waiting on her when she gets home because “I know you had a hard day”, or to have her favorite meal waiting on her.
It’s very easy for girls to feel unappreciated and you have to remind them that you are happy she is part of your life.

I wouldn’t want to miss (insert event) because of me

Really means, “I really feel bad BUT if I can’t go then you shouldn’t want to go without me.”

If you go without her, get ready. You will get the “Did you have fun without me?” question. To which the correct response is “Of course not! I was miserable without you. I shouldn’t have even gone.”

Throw in an “Everyone asked about you and wondered why you weren’t there”. Regardless if they did or did not say this. This makes her feel like people actually acknowledged she wasn’t there.

The Little Things

Remember her favorite color, song, etc.

If she takes the time to tell you then you will be quizzed without notice, at random.


Girls can be, well, possessive.

Instead of looking at it in a bad way, think of it as she actually cares enough about you to let other people know you are HERS.

What that being said, as far as she is concerned, she has been the only girl in your life. She will most likely never want to know about your girl friends. If an ex is mentioned, quickly follow it with a “Stupid B—ch” and a “You are so much better than she ever was” and “I am so lucky I found you.” If she asks the “Are you going to say that about me someday?” question, here is how you answer it: “Why would I ever break up with you?” or “Never! You are so much better than any of my ex’s!”


Girls do not like to wait.

They also do not like to be rushed. I realize this is a double standard, but you might as well get used to it now.

If she says be there at (insert time here), then be 5 minutes early. If she isn’t ready, deal with it.

Remember, she is trying to look her best FOR YOU. Rushing here will only result in the “Fine! I just won’t go” fight.

Invest in a game for your cell phone. You will need it.


If you are lucky enough to have a girl that CAN cook, yay for you. If you are lucky enough to have a girl that WILL cook for you, then double yay. If you have a girl that WILL cook but isn’t very good at it, then I am very sorry to say that you will just have to learn to love it or just cook for yourself. DO NOT, let me repeat, DO NOT ever criticize her cooking or make any reference to how it’s not like your mom’s, sister’s, or (for the love of cheap noodles) ex-girlfriend. She will send you running to said person’s house quicker than you can finish getting the words out of your mouth. In her mind, she is thinking, “At least I took the time to cook. I didn’t HAVE to do that!” She may or may not say this aloud.

I can offer you one solution, but you have to be very careful. This has to be about YOU not her. See if there are any cooking classes offered in your area and suggest going TOGETHER as TOGETHER TIME. Stress how YOU want to learn how to cook better and you want HER to go with YOU to spend time TOGETHER. Remember, it HAS TO BE ABOUT YOU. If she makes some comment to the effect of is this because of my cooking say “Of course not” or “no its because I want to learn and I want you to come with me” or “No, I want to learn and I love spending time with you.”

A Girl’s Calendar

The important milestones in a relationship are 3 months, 6 months, and one year. After the one year mark, it is yearly after that. And, yes, you will need to remember these dates. So, write them down. Now. Go. Right now. Trust me.

“I will write/draw/paint etc you something”

If you have a talent and you say that you will make something for her, DO IT! She will wait for it and the longer she waits for it makes her girl brain go crazy. She will begin to doubt that you were ever serious and then she will doubt herself and wonder if she is even worth the trouble.

The same can also be said if she makes you something. Even if it’s a glorified stick man, the point is that she took the time to draw you that glorified stick man and you should be happy for it and keep it. She may ask to see it at random and you had better have it easily accessible.

"I wouldn't want you to...."

Means: “Yeah, I really want you to do it and you should do it without question and/or you should have known to do it without asking.”

Example: (to girl) “Am I keeping you awake?” (Girl) “I wouldn’t want you to have to go to bed because of me.”

Translation: “Yes, you are keeping me away, you stupid, stupid idiot. Stop whatever you are doing RIGHT THIS SECOND and go to bed with me.” This effect will continue to tick if the problem is not resolved. (To girl) “Are you sure I am not keeping you away?” (Girl) “No, I just can’t sleep.” (You should see red flags and hear the lights flashing in your head.) (To girl) “I can go to bed.” (Girl) “No, you shouldn’t have to just because of me.” (This means yes, you have to and do it now.)

"I'm fine!"

Danger, danger! Nothing is fine and you had better find out quick what is wrong, especially if you are the reason she is “fine.”


If a side comment is made that seems to come out of nowhere (“I like flowers”) open your ears.

She wants something and thinks that you should have thought of it yourself.

If you do get the hint, please do not give her the gift and then follow it with a comment like “Yeah, I got your hint.” You might as well take the gift back because the thought is gone.

The Little Girls Room

Girls do not poop.

Of course girls really do, um, have tummy issues but you rarely will hear one admit it.

The same goes for farting. Yes, it goes without saying that she is having tummy issues when she doesn't come out of the bathroom for an extended period of time, but don’t address it.


Do you know that when you walk in the door from work and the house is clean and dinner is ready, that odds are she just finished it no more than five minutes before you walked into the house and probably has not sat down all day?

With that being said, if you see something, the one thing that she forgot to do, don’t for the love of spaghetti point it out to her.


If you feel that she is being overly clingy and has never been this way before then it’s a sure sign that she needs some attention.

It is her way of saying, “Please spend time with me. I am missing you really bad right now and I need to know you love/like/want me too.”

If you point out to her that she is being clingy, instead of just stopping whatever you were doing, then you can forget it. She isn’t going to want to have anything to do with you for long time.

New Things

Girls like new things. This should be nothing new. What you probably do not know is the thought process behind this new thing she just got.

Females, especially ones that are moms or involved with someone, will most likely put themselves last. When given the choice to buy something for herself or buying something that she knows her child or significant other would like, she will choose the latter.

It starts as a struggle. “Do I really need this?” “(Insert name here) needs (insert item here) a lot more than I need something new.” “But I really would like to have a new (insert item here).”

Even the simplest things can make the day of a female. There is nothing in the world like buying brand new panties and bras.

And, I am very sorry to say, girls will never have enough shoes and purses. We just will not, so deal with it, and as long as she isn’t threatening to sell her children on eBay, just learn to live with it.

Facebook/Myspace/Social Networking in General

I am very sorry to say inform you but she is going to insist your profile says in a relationship, especially if her says the same.

If you beat around the bush about it and make a big deal over changing it, a storm will emerge.

If you love/care for this girl, then just do it. Change the status. It means the world to her. You are in a relationship with her and now all your social networking friends now know it.
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